Everyday the butterflies come

Every day the butterflies come.  I'm not sure how long it was happening before I noticed it, but since I started paying attention, it's been at lease 3 weeks.  Every day they come.  Usually, I encounter an average of five butterflies a day in the course of my day.  Big ones, tiny ones, plain ones, colorful ones.  

At first I thought it was a curiosity.  Then I thought it was a little freaky.  Now I expect them and I giggle when they flitter through my day.  

I love that they come, but I haven't figured out why.  I haven't mentioned it to anyone or written about it before now.  I thought in time, the reason would become clear to me, but it hasn't.  I've always remembered this quote from The Color Purple:   'I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.' Maybe it's the same thing.  Maybe God just wants me to slow down and notice them.

When looking for meaning, there's also a lot of symbolism that I could draw from too. Metamorphosis, new life, becoming.  Also, the way they dance past me... part joyful and carefree, but also sometimes looking like they're slightly out of control and just trying to stay upright.  These too all fit the current circumstances of my life.  

Whatever the reason, that they come, I am grateful and feel blessed that they do.  

How beautiful it is when we feel ourselves opening

Personal growth comes in spurts, doesn't it?  

Sometimes I feel like I'm just humming right along and then a moment happens and I feel myself opening.  Opening to acknowledgement of a stumble, opening to awareness, opening to the possibility new and deeper relationships... just opening to possibility.  All that came from a 60 minute conversation this morning with someone the Universe unexpectedly put on my path a few months ago.  I was inspired by someone I saw speaking beautiful and powerful poetry on the internet.  I reached out.  She reached back.  Now I get to call this amazing woman my friend.  Boom.  Across the jungles of time and space, our paths crossing in a particularly serendipitous way.   

I'm blessed to learn some lessons from this new friend.  Blessed that she can extend a bit of grace to cover my unintended privilege blunder.  Blessed that she can help me see that I'm looking at things through a too small lens.  Blessed to hear her affirming words about what I'm trying to create. Blessed to hear her say "It's limitless".

Today, I'm sitting in that possibility.  Here, in my big comfie chair, in my pj's... her words ringing in my ears... I'm opening to that true fact.  It's limitless... I am limitless.   And so it is.  And so I let it be.

Are you re-filling your empty bucket with a cup?

I've been thinking about this a lot.  Women need more places to come together to support one another.  Women need a safe space to try on new ways of being.  A place to catch a glimpse of what is possible when women hold each other up.  When women bear witness to the lives of other women, and honor them for what they have been through, survived, achieved… it gives them permission to fully bear witness to their own lives, their own stories.  Permission to stand in their truth and be honored in return for their strength, their beauty.

 It is typical in America that women give and give.  Women do for others all day, every day, without stopping to refill their own bucket.  We are so busy being busy in our lives.  Grab a workout before work.  Try and leave work on time to pick up the kids at day care.  Stop at the store for groceries for dinner.  Make dinner.  Homework.  Bath time.  Bed time.  Try and get through some of the emails that didn’t get addressed at work before hitting the sack ourselves.  Sometimes we numb ourselves out with alcohol and bad TV.  We congratulate ourselves when we slow down and take an hour at a time for ourselves for yoga, or a massage, or quick workout.  When was the last time you were fully present and engaged at home, at work?  We think an hour spent on ourselves is going to set us right again.  For most of us, it gets us through another day, another week and then we put another cups worth of water in our empty bucket and do it all again.

When was the last time that you took the time to reflect on the strength it’s taken to get to where you are in life?  When was the last time another person has said to you “Wow, that’s really something.  You’re an amazing human being”?  Does the idea of spending 3 days checked out of real life, and focusing on yourself scare the pants off you?  Does it feel selfish?  Is it strange to think about spending $500 on yourself in one fell swoop?  Lean in to that discomfort and think about doing it anyway.  Retreats  like this one, are a magical gift to yourself.  Aren’t you worth it? 

 It's a lot easier to refill the bucket by dipping the whole thing into the well.  

Where are you now?

I don't know about you, but for me it comes down to being present.  Present, in my skin, in this moment right now.  As a child abuse survivor, as a fat kid, as a fat woman... I'm pretty damn good at moving around this world, doing my job, being a family member, a friend- all while completely shut down somewhere inside myself.  I'm so good at it, that for about 30 years no one knew the difference.

The thing is, I know the difference.

And although I'm grateful for what was a helping coping mechanism for me as a child, I no longer wish live that way.  I want to be present for the beautiful moments in life as well as the painful ones.

Because I was shut down at points of my life when I should have been discovering things like whether my body liked to play softball, or flipping and turning on gymnastics equipment or hiking in the Arizona desert, my auto response was that I don't like those things.  When I am a fully present adult I have the choice to try new things, and to decide again whether I like them or not.  That's what I want for all our participants at any Beautiful You retreat.

We designed the Beautiful You Body Love retreat to give participants a chance to practice being fully present in their bodies.  If you've experienced disordered eating, body shaming, battled cancer and lost a breast, or any of a myriad of wide ranging experiences that cause us to struggle with our bodies, this retreat may be for you.  You'll sit in circle with a group of supportive women and be accepted unconditionally for who you are.   You'll have a chance to try body positive activities like yoga for all bodies, and drumming and dancing.  You'll be gently guided to identify old messages that may be running the show of your life now.  We'll learn and practice new ways to release those messages that are unhelpful to you now.  We'll all have a chance to view our bodies through a new lens- the lens of the body love revolution.  We'll take a brand new look at ourselves with kinder, gentler eyes and cheer each other all along the way.   We'll probably laugh, there might be some tears, we guarantee some cheers... and all of those things are signs that we're fully present and that my friends is the whole point.

If you would like to learn more please visit www.livebeautifulyou.com

Dreaming a little dream

Meme credit- the interwebs

Hmm.  Yes, so I 've been dreaming a little dream for a while now and it's it's finally time for it not to be a dream any longer.  It seems like there should be a word for the birth of a dream into reality.  I don't think there is one, but attraversiamo fits pretty well for me.  Let's cross over.

With the help of numerous amazing women, Beautiful You- a place to be, become, belong is ready to launch its first retreat.  There will be many wonderful retreats in the coming years to support and lift up women with wide range of themes.  We have plans for retreats for women in transition, women fighting cancer, sexual abuse survivors... but the first retreat is May 14-16th and it's a Body Love retreat.

All of these Beautiful You retreats will be empowering, inspirational, immersion experiences where women will slow down and discover the power of hearing and witnessing the stories of other women.

The Body Love retreat is being held at beautiful Kenyon Ranch in Tumacocori, Arizona.  It's about an hour south of Tucson.  Participants from around the country will settle into their casita's and be welcomed at a happy hour by the pool on Thursday afternoon.  We'll experience the magic of sitting in circle and sharing our stories and cap the evening off with a candle light labyrinth walk.  On Friday skilled facilitators will lead participants through a series of activities designed to support and help develop some beginning body love tools.  We'll also be joined on Friday by the amazing Jes Baker who will spend the day inspiring and sharing in our activities.   Throughout the retreat participants will have the opportunity to create a one of a kind, body love art project to take home.  No artistic experience or skills are necessary.  We will also have the opportunity to participate in several physical activities (yoga, drumming and dancing) that will help us ground ourselves in our bodies and practice being fully present in ways we might not have before.  All of our food will be lovingly prepared onsite by the chef at Kenyon Ranch.  Yummy snacks and beverages will be plentiful.   All your art supplies will be onsite.  We'll even send you home with a few surprises to pack in your suitcase.

This retreat is a small, intimate experience- 20 participants in total.  If you're interested, registration is open now so please reserve your spot.  Registrations paid in full when registering receive a $50 voucher/rebate for the 2015 Body Love Conference in June in Tucson, AZ.  Installment payments available.

Attraversiamo friends... hope to see you in Tumacocori!

I was a Weight Watchers leader... and I'm sorry.

A couple of things happened this week that were interesting for me to look at.  I ran into an old acquaintance who got me thinking about my past role in the machine that is the weight loss industry.  And a medical professional demonstrated some weight bias just when I thought I was going to make  it out of my appointment with out it.

Some years ago I was asked to become a Weight Watchers Leader after having lost 113 pounds on the program.  In truth, I lost 113 by learning to love myself and to act like I loved myself by taking care of my body well.  I also happened to learn how to eat pretty healthily and enjoyed the company of others who were more than 50 pounds 'over' weight in my special group meeting.  It was a place where we could all talk about weight  and the challenges of moving through life while fat.

I think I was a great leader at Weight Watchers.  I had members who followed me from meeting to meeting when I occasionally changed locations or times.  I prepared meetings on the prescribed topics, I knew my content... but I think the reason I was a great group leader is that I was 1-real (authentic/genuine)  and 2- I was really preaching the gospel of body love.  My members would beat themselves up at the scale and I cautioned that it's just a number, it's what we tell ourselves about it that is so damaging.  I ran into a former member in one of my groups this week...Jenny.  I was reminded that she and her husband- both members, were THIS close away from their goal weights on the same week.  They were completely bummed. that the scale just wasn't reflecting their efforts.  I said 'What can you take off?'  We moved the scale to a more private area, and they both dropped their pants and weighed again and they 'achieved' the number they were looking for.  The only thing that was different between totally bummed and elation was taking their pants off. 

In hindsight, I'm glad that I was able to be there in a genuine and caring way for so many people trying to navigate and re-navigate what is for the vast majority of people a lose-lose prospect.  And at the same time, I'm sorry to have been a part of what is a wild goose chase for most.

The other thing that happened this week was a visit to a Nurse Practitioner for my annual well woman check.  It was an uneventful visit.  We didn't talk about my weight at all (I've re- gained all I lost and a bit more).  She left the room and I got dressed, thinking to myself 'wow, no weight talk!'.  A moment later, there was a knock and she returned with the paperwork to get my blood work done and she laid another pamphlet on the counter and pushed it toward me.  She said "you might be interested in this... it really works".  What she was pushing toward me was a really tacky looking xeroxed brochure for Dr. Gann's Diet of HOPE (is that not the most ridiculous, emotionally loaded bullshit name of a business?).  I must have had a look on my face because she next said "or, I'm on Weight Watchers and I like that as well".    I find it really irresponsible for her to have pushed this at me without first asking if I was worried about my weight, if I was actively dieting now, if I had a history of weight cycling, asking what my weight history was or a million other questions she might have used to start an open dialogue. 

If you're an 'over' weight woman in this country it is quite simply assumed that you are unhappy and must be trying or wanting to try and do something about it.  As the day went on, I was more and more angry about it.  She's doing some research and a referral for me and I'm not going to complain about it until I get that.  And THAT makes me angry too... that I can't speak my mind for fear my medical care may be affected.

Let's keep fighting the good fight friends.  And don't forget to love yourself and the body you walk around in.

Body love baby steps... a 7 day challenge.

I was thinking today about how when it comes to body love, body acceptance... sometimes just plain I don't want to hate my body anymore... you have to start where you are.  

For many of us, where we are is that we're not even walking around this planet 'present' in our bodies.  That can happen for all kinds of reasons.  Whether it's long ago trauma, current day abuse, ordinary stress, or having derogatory comments hurled at you as you walk down the street we have disconnected from our bodies and we're completely numb to our feelings.  It seems safer that way.  And numbing out begets numbing out.  

I had a total eye opener one time when I was listening to Brene' Brown talk about how we can't just selectively numb our feelings.  We don't get to just numb the unpleasant ones.  When we numb pain, guess what... we also numb joy.

I don't want to live in a world without joy in my life.  So, I have to start where I am on any given day.  That's all any of us can do.  The mountains we have to climb usually feel way too big to start anywhere other than where we are in this moment.

So this week, I'm offering up a 7 day challenge.  Let's get purposefully present in our bodies each day this week.  You can use the suggestions I'm offering, or come up with ones that fit for you.  But what's required is that you spend a few minutes, with intention and focus, paying attention to how your body feels doing something.  Below are some suggestions.  Please post your own.  Bonus points if you post a pic of yourself doing whatever it is you're doing!

Swing your hips- put on some music that moves you and let it... well, move you.

Luxuriate in bed naked.

Go for a skinny dip, or a chunky dunk.

Fill a bath with something bubbly and have a soak.

Snuggle down and take a nap.

Enjoy an orgasm.

Work up a sweat doing something outdoors.