Scrap paper wisdom: 3 steps and a really big question

Here's another bit of wisdom that's been up on my wall for a long time.  Sometimes I have something up for so long that I begin to not even see it any more.   I tend to rotate them and this is one that's been filed away for a while.  I'm glad I found it again!  Maybe it will speak to you.   It's a pretty great bit strategy that works during a fight with my spouse, conflict at work or just when I'm feeling crummy about myself.

Step 1:  What am I feeling?  What are my body reactions?  What am I telling myself about my ability to handle this situation?  What is TRUE of my ability?

Step 2:  What do I want from this situation or for myself?  What is actually under my control?  What is not under my total control?  Am I willing to to accept the situation and my degree of control as it is?

Step 3:  Focus on acting and feeling in a manner that is in your best interest.  What feeling or quality (calm etc) could I express right now that would help me achieve my goal?  What (self talk) would I be thinking if I were actually expressing that quality and getting what I want?  What would I be doing?

And the big hairy question at the end of it all:  Am I willing to do it?

Here's to being willing my friends...

Scrap paper wisdom... part 2 lugging our rocks around with us

Anne Lamott is a beloved author, loved the world over for her profound insights into the everyday.  I have never read any of her books, but I have occasionally read an essay or op ed piece.  One message that hit me like a ton do bricks and has always stuck with me is below.  I'm not sure what work it's been snipped from.

... left to our own devices, we- as a species- tend to lug these big rocks around.  They are the rocks of our concerns.  Everytime we get up, we reach down for our big rock and then we lug it out the door, down the stairs, and roll it into the back seats of our cars.  Then after we drive some place, we open the back door, get out our rock, and carry it with us, wherever we go.  Because it's our rock.  It is very important to us and we need to keep it in sight.  Also, someone could steal it.  Anne Lamott

How silly we are.  Her words are so laughably true.  I see it in myself, see it in others all the time. If only we could literally carry a big boulder around with us, we might give up this nonsense much more quickly than we do (if we do).   These words were posted on my desk for me to see and be shored up by daily for a long time.

These days I try to stop and acknowledge my rocks when I realize that I've been loading them in and out of my car.  It helps me to at lease recognize the ridiculousness of it.  The other thing I try to do is jot these 'rocks of my concerns' down on what ever bit of paper I have around me and put it in my God box as soon as possible.   I first learned about God boxes when I read this article by Mary Lou Quinlan.  I was moved to tears when I finished reading it.  When I have a hard time letting go of something, mentally turning it over and over in my mind... I know I've got to get it on paper and into my God box.  

What are the big rocks you carry around with you?

Scrap paper wisdom... part one

When I took a deep dive into my files this weekend, it was a bit of an archaeological dig.  I keep all kinds of tings for all kinds of reasons.  

I have dozens of handwritten letters- (remember letters?) written by a college friend after we graduated.   

I have a card my Step-Mom sent me with my Dad's shaky signature that is the last expression of love I ever got from him.  

I have a bunch of before/after pictures and other Weight Watchers things that were really important to me as I was losing 100 pounds.  

And I have a bunch of individual pieces of paper with random wisdom on them.  At some point in my life, each of these pieces of paper were taped to my mirror or on the bulletin board above my desk.  They each have touched me, nurtured me or kicked me in the butt. They've been sitting there, unseen by me or anyone else for years.  I'm going to share them here in the hopes that they can again be a blessing to me and to someone else.

First up... this little beauty.  

I am sitting here in the smallest room in my house with your letter of criticism before me. Soon it will be behind me. H.L. Mencken.

I have never looked him up before now, but wikipedia says he was an American satirist who was born in 1880.  It's said that Dr. Wayne Dyer used to send this comment to people who sent criticism to him after his early appearances on the Tonight Show and other places.

Thankfully, I can't say I've ever had an occasion to need to actually send it to someone, but I've certainly had the need to say it in my head before.  It's a great reminder that what others think of me is really none of my business.

Perhaps it will be useful to you.  Put it on a sticky and pin it up so you don't forget it.

Missing you Momma

It's New Years Day.  We lost Mom completely 2 years ago today, though we'd really begun to lose her long her before that.  Lost her slowly, over a number of years.  They call Alzheimer's Disease 'the long goodbye'.  Having lost not one, but two parents to the disease, I can tell you that's horrifyingly accurate.  

Mom lived a full and beautiful life.  I have many, many wonderful memories.   She was a single Mother.  Scraping by for my brothers and I by working two jobs.  She bought and paid for her own home.  She got her associates degree after age 50.  But even with all her accomplishments, the thing she was proudest of was her three kids and all her grand kids.  Late in life, she would often look around at huge family gatherings and proudly proclaim... 'I'm the Momma of all this'.    Yes, Mom.  You were.

This is one of my favorite pictures of her.  Years into her disease, I took her to a Willie Nelson concert.  She couldn't really tell where she should be looking and she sat much of the time looking at the speaker bank and not the stage.  But, when she closed her eyes, she went to a different time and place.  I'm sure of it.  

I'm thankful for many things we did together, times we spent together.  The year before her diagnosis we went to Italy together.  That trip was such a blessing.

We spent a lot of time together over the next years.  Enjoying many moments small and large.  One of the adventures we took was to record a Storycorps interview for their memory project.  It aired Christmas eve of that year on our local NPR station.  As I prepared my questions for our interview, I tried to focus on questions that I knew my brothers and I would forever be glad we had her answers to... in her own voice.  "Of what are you most proud?"... My Children.  My Children. Forever we can press play and hear Mom's voice, her own words.  You can hear a snippet of the interview here .

I miss you Momma.

New Years Theme

What do you do to mark the New Year?  As one year closes and the new one stretches out before us I always feel as though I should be doing something to mark the crossover.  The older I get the more true it becomes.

I've done resolutions.  I find them depressing.

Each year, my husband and I set goals for the year- family, financial, social, personal... and we post them, review them and track our progress as the days and months tick by.  But that's more to keep us on track through the year and doesn't scratch my itch as far as rite of passage for the New Year.

In my younger years, I went to this Unity Church Burning Bowl Service.  It's very ceremonial and was gratifying.  There's some guided journal prompts and you're encouraged to put in writing the situations that you feel you need to let go of as the New Year arrives and the old one fades.  Each person present is able to put their papers into a large bowl that holds a flame and your cares go up in smoke.

This year, I'm working a combination of the two things... planning and ceremony.  Instead of resolutions, I'm going for a 'theme'.    I'm still ironing out the theme, but like all New Years resolutions, it revolves around leaving 2014 better than I entered it.  I think that I'm going with a theme of 'Enjoy'.  That seems to cover a lot of territory and allows me to focus on joy and being present in the moment.  That in turn covers eating healthier, moving my body in ways that feel good and taking care of myself in general.  Something that I haven't been all that great at lately.

So, on New Years Eve, I'll be having my own midnight ceremony at the fire pit in my back yard.  Marking the change in year.    Attraversiamo, my friends.  Let's cross over.

Put down the yardstick and back away

I so know better.   Honestly.  I've been in a bit of a stuck place in the last few weeks.  Well, more of a stuck place/pity party really.  And it all comes down to measuring measuring myself and my efforts at community building against those of the big league-rs like Kelly Rae Roberts, Melody Ross and Jes Baker   In a 100 million years I will never be the best Kelly Rae or Melody or Jes.   What a ridiculous and futile thing to do.  I know better.

Even though it's uncomfortable, I need to be gentle with myself (my new mantra) and let things unfold as they are meant to.  When I think things should be moving faster, more followers, more shares, more comments, I need to remind myself that Kelly Rae moved along in very small steps as well.

I need to remember that I have made magical, unforeseeable things happen in my life.  Ask me sometime about when I 'secreted' my way to a free trip to Paris for my 30th birthday.

I need to remember that I have done other things in my life where I had no idea what I was doing and I was scared to death someone would figure out I was a total fraud.  Like that time I ran off an worked in pictures for a few years before coming back to the real world.  I started out completely green and ended up being the only local that the studio took with them when they moved on to the next location.

I need to remember these things.  I need to put away my yardstick and allow the magic of my life to unfold in it's own time and space.  The Universe did not bring these amazing role models into my awareness for no reason.  Not just into my awareness, but in fact, into my path as I'm lucky enough to call Jes my friend and will be making my way to Brave Girls Camp this summer, where I'll spend a few days with Melody.  But the Universe surely didn't put them in my path to judge myself against either.  Nay, nay Miss Hannah.  Role models are for inspiring you, and for helping to fill your bucket.  And I'm grateful for that.

I'll leave you with this quote from Theodore Roosevelt... 'Do what you can, with what you have, from where you are.'  That's where I am now friends.  Moving forward with what I have, from where I am.  I hope you'll join me somewhere along the way.  

Calling on your courage

(internet image- source unknown)

Last night unbeknownst to me, I got a splinter in my finger.  All evening, I rubbed and fidgeted with the spot, kept trying to figure out what I had done to it.  It was so sore, I just couldn't imagine what I had done.

This morning, in the light of day, I could see it was a splinter.  Without a moments hesitation, I went about finding a needle and my reading glasses and I summoned that moment of courage that you need when you're about to dig a splinter out and I just did it.  As soon as the splinter was out, my finger felt better.  The pokey spot from the needle was still sore of course, but immediately there was relief from the ongoing tenderness was gone right away.

I got to thinking about the fact that we easily and readily summon the courage to deal with little problems like splinters- even we know exactly what it's involved and that it will be painful, right away.  No one walks around with a splinter, knowing it's there and doesn't do anything about it.

Why can't we be that courageous with other things in our lives?  Things that nag at us, causing us pain and discomfort for years.  I think sometimes we pretend we don't see the thing causing us pain.  Sometimes we acknowledge the pain but deny that it's having any impact on our lives.  I utilized a combination of the two for years.   I know I'm not alone.  Women carry all manner of burdens throughout their lives, weighed down by the pain.

In the best of scenarios, at some point we find our moment of courage, when we find the needle and take that first step to begin digging out the splinter.  That's the moment when we the tide turns, we know that the digging and pain will be worthwhile.  Our bravery pays off, the splinter comes out and we are forever changed, but we are stronger.

In the worst of scenarios, we never find our courage.  We live our lives smaller than we might be, living our lives a little closer to home than we might otherwise.   What a shame that is.

Today, I wish you courage to take that first step.  Shine a good light on the problem, dig in there and get it done.  Whether you do it by yourself, or talk it through with your bestie or a good therapist... find your courage and get it done.  And then you can get on with your life...a bigger, better, more beautiful you.