Survivors Voice (possible triggers ahead)

I've been feeling lately like I've not been doing enough in the survivor community.  So I decided that I'm going to write a series of blog posts speaking in my survivors voice, sharing my story.  I write not for your sympathy, but to shine a light on the issue of child sexual abuse.  I write so that you can understand the dangers.  I write so that you will understand that it is possible to survive, heal and go on to thrive in life.  I write so that you will talk about this issue with your kids, your friends and your family so that it is no longer a taboo subject.  So, I ask that you not avert your eyes and look away.  Read, ask questions and speak out.  There are children who need your help right now.

When I was about 5 years old, the sexual abuse began.  The perpetrator was not a creepy guy at the park or someone hiding in the bathrooms at the mall.  My perpetrator was my beloved Grandfather.  He continued to molest me until I was about 12 when for the most part I grew adept at avoiding situations where he could get to me in private.  Even that strategy wasn't foolproof as he was pretty brazen and would attempt to put his tongue in my mouth in front of others when saying goodbye as my Grandparents got in their truck to head home from a visit.

My Grandparents were dedicated to my brothers and I.  We traveled all over the state camping together from the time when each of us was a little baby.  I absorbed the family lore that my Grandpa was the worlds greatest and I was such a lucky girl.  I never said a word to anyone.

As I grew up and into my adult years, there was not 15 minutes in my day that I did not think about it, about what he did to me.  When I look back through my old journals, they're full of me trying to say 'it' didn't matter, that I needed to forget about it.

When I was 24 my life and my secret began to unravel.  Something I saw on television triggered me and I was unable to keep quiet.  When I say unable, I mean it was like trying to hold back vomit one night and I said to my Mother, 'you know how you always said how lucky we were nothing bad ever happened in our family?' and she said 'who was it?'  It all came tumbling out. When I was finished, she said 'it's not your fault', and then 'you're not the only one'.

It turns out, that my beloved Grandfather was a classic pedophile (by my calculations, having upwards of 10 victims I know about for certain and probably many more).  He had in fact been arrested years before for molesting numerous neighborhood children.  The adults in my family knew about the arrest, but had been shocked by it, didn't believe it and didn't really question the safety of me and other girls in the family.  It was a different day back in 1978.  That forgotten arrest came back to my Mom as soon as I disclosed.

That confession was marked the beginning of my healing.  The knowledge that I wasn't the only one, was extremely powerful and in fact was a gift that many survivors don't get.  It was proof that my story was true, and validation that those kids all those years ago were telling the truth then.

I did heal.  It didn't take forever.  I lead a normal life, seldom dealing with the after effects, but once in a great while something does come up.  In future posts I'll share more of my journey into healing and wholeness.  I hope that somewhere out there someone finds strength in my story.

Our secrets are what destroy lives.  I don't know that we're ever going to rid the world of this horrific epidemic, though God knows I'm a warrior in the effort.  But I can stand in the truth of my past and use my voice to help others understand the real dangers that threaten the safety of our children.  The better prepared adults are of the reality of this issue, the safer kids will be.

Something I read in the Huff Post got me thinking today.  Before I'd even finished the blog post, I'd decided to create a new life management system, sort of a 'Care and Feeding of Timalee' plan.  It's been a long time in development, but then all the best systems have.  Like Weight Watchers, there may be a slightly new version out every year around 'resolution' season.  It's a plan I can live with and re-join anytime if I fall off the wagon.

1- get enough sleep
2- strive to be fully present in all emotional states (not just pleasant ones)
3- reach out on more days than not
4- eat foods you like, and choose real food more often than not
5- be thankful for the body you live in, you only get the one
6- find ways to move the body you live in that you enjoy and do it often
7- zero tolerance on crappy self talk (body related and otherwise)
8- stay proactive about nurturing my marriage
9- drink lots of water
10- good sex, coupled and otherwise (thanks Huff Post for permission to say that!)
11- take risks, especially when afraid to do so
12- nurture creativity
13- manage the drudgery of household tasks so that weekend time is for fun
14- live within my means
15- minimize mainstream media's influence in my life
16- listen to music I love every day
17- check in with my body before, during and after eating to fine tune to it's needs
18- schedule and take regular getaways with my hubs
19- regularly partake in reflective practices

I've been saying for a long time, that I know intuitively how to care for myself, I just need to find the 'give a damn switch' and flip it.  Something deep inside myself feels like I just did.  How odd, that after waiting years for it to happen again, it should happen on a random quiet Saturday afternoon after waking from a nap, house quiet.    Or then again, maybe not so odd.

Women you should know... Hedy Lamarr

           (salon photo)

'If you use your imagination, you can look at any actress and see her nude.  I hope to make you use your imagination.'-- Hedy Lamarr

Quick, for what was Hedy Lamarr best known?

Born in 1913 in Austria, this beauty was part of the golden age of Hollywood.  She was a box office sensation sharing the stage with the likes of Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy. 

What you probably don't know about her is that in 1942 she and her friend, composer George Antheil, received a patent for an idea that was originally hers.  It was a method of radio signaling that would eventually make way for spread spectrum and frequency hopping, necessary for the wireless communication we enjoy today.  

The pairs intention was for the US Military to use the technology to interrupt the path of torpedo's in wartime.   The Navy met the idea with opposition and did not pick up the technology until 1962.  In 1998 the pair received some recognition for their work.

The next time you pick up your iPhone or iPad... you can thank this amazing woman.

Measuring beauty

The other night at a community event my sweet husband said something that was a compliment, was intended to make me feel good and ended up giving me something to think about as I observed a range of inner emotions for the rest of the evening.

He looked across the crowded room, saw a woman we both know- a woman that is by media standards, a beautiful woman... a woman I consider to be a physically beautiful woman.  After a few minutes of conversation, he glanced back at her, turned to me and said 'overall, you're really more attractive than she is'.

My instinctive, instant reaction was 'Aw, honey... really?  Thank you!'  For a few minutes I was riding a high.  I imagine that all women love to be told their partners think they're beautiful.  Then another thought began to creep in.  'Who is he to measure one woman's beauty against another?'

I spent the evening paying attention to my thoughts.  I wondered how I can gently move my man toward enlightenment about the destructiveness of this kind of thing.  I thought about the part of me that was instantly delighted at first at the suggestion that I might be more attractive than this other glamorous woman who is thin and willowy.  I didn't come up with any answers though.  I just gently observed and kept all my thoughts to myself.

Then, the next day the Universe gave me an even bigger thump on the side of the head to get my attention.  At a gas station, I said to my husband, 'take a look at the cashier... doesn't she remind you of (another woman we know), only prettier?'  Doh!!  Me.  I said that.  And he called me on it.  'Honey!', he exclaimed, shocked.  I hadn't meant anything mean or destructive any more than he had the night before.  But I had to own it.  Who am I to measure one woman's beauty against another?

Now who's looking for enlightenment?

Do I want to be right, or at peace?

"Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know."   Pema Chodron

Ah yes, my old friend ego popping up to re-teach me something this week.  I sure wish I could learn the lesson and be done with it.  In a sure sign of progress however, I find I am able to recognize that growing edge more quickly these days.  Then I can ask myself that defining question... 

Do I want to be right or do I want to be at peace?

These days, I'll take peace any day.

Has your answer to this question changed as you've passed through different phases of your life?

Making space for something new

It's been an interesting couple of months for me in bringing Beautiful You into reality.   It's been whispering at me for at least a year.  It's taken courage and a willingness to open myself to feeling vulnerable to allow it to be.

The opportunities to squash the whispers are plentiful.  When I look at the blog-o-sphere it's can be pretty intimidating.  "Who am I to think I have something to say?" is the thought I have to keep flicking off my shoulder.  But, then I think of my cheerleaders, my partners in this and the inner wisdom that I believe is present in all women when they get quiet and still and it's getting easier to flick that doubting voice off my shoulder.

When I turn and look back at my path so far, there are little pivot points that in hindsight, I can see have been small steps in the journey leading me here and into whatever Beautiful You becomes.  The Universe has been putting so many 'coincidences' in my way that it's starting to be really laughable (in a completely wonderful way).  When I was reflecting on all these small steps I happened on this from Kelly Rae Roberts.  Just when I needed to see that a woman I admired didn't get there overnight... there it was.  

I'm starting Brene' Browns- Oprah Life Class this week and need to set an intention.

• My intention is to make space for the Beautiful You project to come fully into being. 
• I intend to clear out doubt and insecurity to make space for me to embrace vulnerability.  (They're not the same thing... insecurity and vulnerability) 
• I intend to embrace the fact that there's so much to learn in a place that's completely new to me.  
• I intend to give my self the grace to let it unfold at a pace that allows me to learn and make mistakes as I grow into this.

What's whispering at you that you haven't been paying attention to?

Women you should know... Bobby Gentry

Owing to a weird coincidence last weekend where I heard the 1967 #1 song Ode to Billie Joe twice in less than 24 hours I've been a little obsessed with Bobby Gentry of late.  So, that's my introduction for today.  If you count yourself a feminist today, you stand on the shoulders of Bobby Gentry and countless other women like her.

Bobby Gentry (a stage name) came from a poor, rural background, much like the characters she sang so soulfully about.  She had a powerful voice and the ability to write haunting narratives.  One of the most remarkable things about her that I've discovered in my obsession is that she was one of the very first women in country music to write, perform and produce her own materials.  In these earliest days of feminism, this was a real success.

Ode to Billie Joe was the 'B' side of a record that quickly rose to #1 and spent 4 weeks at the top of the Billboard Hot 100.  The album replaced the Beatles Sgt. Pepper's album for a time at the top of the US Chart.  The haunting story of Billie Joe's suicide captured America's attention and debate raged about the meaning behind the song and just what was thrown off the Tallahatchie bridge.  PS... it's a real bridge.  The artist herself had this to say about the underlying themes of the lyric:

Those questions are of secondary importance in my mind.  The story of Billie Joe has two more interesting underlying themes.  First, the illustration of a group of people's reactions to the life and death of Billie Joe, and it's subsequent effect on their lives, is made.  Second, the obvious gap between the girl and her mother is shown, when both women experience a common loss (first, Billie Joe and later, Papa), and yet Mama and the girl are unable to recognize their mutual loss of share of their grief.

Ten years later Ode to Billie Joe was made into a movie and perhaps the most interesting thing about that is that it was directed by Max Baer Jr. who played Jethro on the Beverly Hillbillies.  (I'm not kidding).

The other Bobby Gentry song you might recognize is Fancy, but you probably heard Reba singing it.  Gentry had this to say of 'Fancy'...

"Fancy" is my strongest statement for women's lib, if you really listen to it.  I agree wholeheartedly with that movement and all the serious issues that they stand for-- equality, equal pay, day care centers, and abortion rights.

One of her last public performances was Christmas 1978 on the Johnny Carson show.  She retired from public life and is presumably living her life in LA.